Every year, countless beautiful humans rush to get to the very end. We hustle towards some sort of joy-and-chaos-filled space where there is barely room to breathe, let alone set intentions for the New Year. And, if intentions are set, they are the kind that might just lead us down a dead-end road:
This year, I'll work out more…
I'll spend more time out of bed…
I will finally write the book of my dreams from start to finish…
Collectively, many of us embrace the kind of intentions and resolutions that - when failure strikes - bring us to our knees instead of to the joyous space we intended.
As we begin another year together, I want to encourage you to take every intention and resolution you have put out into the world and read it through one more time. Take the feelings and the thoughts that come up, and allow them to sit between your hands. Stay gentle with yourself here. Is now a good time to pray over your year ahead? Do it. Even if this means you walk away from the rest of this post. (And then, of course, return again).
If you have not set an intention or made some sort of resolution, let’s honor this too.
Intentions Gone Awry
In my younger years, I truly believed myself to be almost-invincible. I was moments away from complete healing, and the right diet, exercise plan, Word of the Year, or meditation practice was all that I needed to reach my most excellent goal of recovery. During this same time, I remember clearly how I decided (through network marketing) I would retire my husband from the demands of his desk job into full-time parenting. My expectations of myself were sky high, and I never considered what I was actually bringing to the table: a body that did not manage stress or pressure very well and two tiny kids - one with special needs herself.
The most important part of this story isn’t whether or not I succeeded in reaching my goal. (But for those who will not be able to focus on the rest of this article until they know: I did, and then left the industry quickly thereafter.) Instead, it’s the toll unrealistic expectations took on every aspect of my life. When my pen hit the paper, my goal in permanent ink, I sprung full speed ahead into absolute madness. This madness, I guarantee, God doesn’t want for either of us. Not you, not me, nor any of his precious children. And while hardship does tend to bother us from time to time earthside, must we be the ones to bring it upon ourselves? Upon those we love?
Modifying Expectations
With or without any goal for the year, there are certain expectations that come up. So, I want to encourage you - if the end point (or neutrality) you have in mind does really exist, then there must be a way ahead that does not sacrifice the body, mind, or soul. Here are some thoughts on how to move forward, one small step at a time:
Honor reality. Envision how your intention relates to your personal experience of life. If you need to surpass your colleagues' sales this year in order to receive the promotion you desire, consider how much energy this challenge will take. Do you recall having the capacity to do this before? If so, what will it require of you? I won’t ever tell you to set aside a goal that has been placed on your heart. But, I will advise you to honor “what is” - reality matters.
Adjust your experience or adjust your intention. If you know that reaching your goal won’t happen without eliminating other sources of positive or negative stress, begin to think about what you can put aside. Adjust your experience. Perhaps you can go to bed a little earlier to give your body ample sleep. Maybe you start your morning off with some exercise or gentle stretching to get the endorphins flowing. Or maybe you need to “unfollow” the voices speaking into your life that don’t build you up or edify you. On the other hand, maybe you need to adjust your intention. If you have never had the energy to run 5 miles, it’s time to consider starting with a 1 mile run instead.
Let go of control. When we live with chronic illness, we either adapt to the experience of having very little control, or we don’t… and life in don’t is just a little bit harder. Can you consider the process as important as the result?
Celebrate the process and the milestones along the way. Big or small, milestones matter. In the same way, processes point us forward in the direction we most desire. A few years ago, my only goal was to remain cancer-free. Was it a big goal? Yes. Did I change my lifestyle to meet it? Absolutely. Life will happen whether we welcome it or not. Jesus once said, “In this world there will be trouble…” (John 16:33) and I take those words to heart. My first year cancer-free, I celebrated every single month. All of them. With every celebration came the reminder that whether or not I achieved cancer-free, I was embracing the wonder and the way. I let the pathway be enough - and, it was well with my soul.
Reframe winning. Imagine this: You’ve claimed peace in 2023. As stated above, there must be mile markers you can count on that bring you closer to experiencing it - right? When you consider edging closer a win, the reward becomes the journey itself. Our mentality shifts, and we experience greater joy. What are some of the markers you will use to measure your progress towards your goal?
The same way you honor reality, honor disappointment. Don’t dwell on what challenges you couldn’t overcome, though. Over the years, I have found that when I have an interaction of any kind that really bothers me, I take the time to feel it. I might focus on my breath for a few minutes. I might journal. Afterwards, I’ll wash my hands to “cleanse” myself of the experience. In this, I have found it easier to move on with a quiet mind (and maintain clean hands!).
Change the plan or pace. If you need to set down your intention and focus on something that is more important - like your physical, spiritual or mental health - do it. If you need to change your milestones from thriving to surviving, surviving is what counts. Consider outsourcing something that takes up too much energy. Or perhaps you simply slow down, change a one-year plan to a two-year plan. This is your path! You get to choose how you walk it.
Change the intention (or neutrality!). It doesn’t need to be January 1st to set an intention, nor does it need to be December 31st to choose a new one. Let’s offer ourselves some grace. Deal?
Remember, there isn’t one solitary finish line here on earth. When your aspiration feels too big, if it becomes the epicenter of your existence, it might be time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. For as long as we are in earthly bodies we have not “arrived” - there is much more left to experience and do, be it see snow for the first time or learn to drive or even taste something new and delicious! Ask yourself, “What else matters right now?” And finally,
Stay away from the comparison trap. I think this one is self-explanatory, but if it’s not, take time to reflect on who you are - the core qualities that make you you. There is a reason God chose you to be here, right now. And it’s not because you are supposed to follow the same path as Sally.
If your choice is to remain in a neutral, intention-less space, I believe many of these tips still apply, dear friend. By remaining in it, this is the space/experience you are saying you most want (or feel compelled) to occupy. Here, you may need to make adjustments to continue this particular path. This is the chronic illness journey, after all. This is real, raw life. This is where we simultaneously partake of wildness and wilderness even as we bring forth more good and God and grace here on earth.
Does this help pave the path ahead? Let me know what you think.
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Written by: Jennifer Magnano
Jennifer is a Jack of all trades if ever there was one! A mama, postpartum doula, author, volunteer on People Hope’s Writing Team, Jennifer’s zest for life is contagious. But her multi-passionate interests don’t stop there. Jennifer is deeply passionate about mental health and traditional kitchen medicine, she’s a true foodie at heart willing to try just about anything, and she loves animals. In fact, she is the proud owner of nine pets from four different species! When she's all grown up, she wants to make 5-year-old Jennifer proud, and we can't think of a sweeter goal than that!