When I graduated kindergarten, my school had an elaborate ceremony that mimicked a high school graduation. I wore a miniature royal blue cap and gown. I walked across a stage and received a certificate. I did not, however, get as much money at this graduation (graduating high school was truly one of the best financial decisions I’ve ever made). But the thing that I most remember about kindergarten graduation is Tyler.
As each of the students walked down the aisle towards the stage, one of the teachers read off a sheet of paper that listed what we wanted to be when we grew up. Many of the kids’ answers were along the same lines: Some wanted to be teachers, others nurses, still others veterinarians. Personally, I said I wanted to be a singer (funny, as Simon Cowell would surely look upon me with disgust if he heard me sing). Tyler was unique in that he said he wanted to be a gymnast. He was also unique in that as soon as the teacher announced that he wanted to be a gymnast, Tyler tripped on his miniature royal blue gown and fell face-down in front of everyone. I think his gymnastics dreams ended that night.
Most people probably change their minds about what they want to do several times from when they are five to when they become a fully independent member of society. Some people, like Tyler, realize that their kindergarten dreams are not possible because they do not have the skills necessary to achieve it. Others simply have a change in interests as they grow older. Aside from my momentary lapse of judgment when I said I wanted to be a singer, I was consistent in my dream while I was growing up: I wanted to be a teacher.
“...I was consistent in my dream while I was growing up: I wanted to be a teacher. ”
When I was in elementary school, I knew I wanted to be a teacher, and by the time I was in middle school, I knew I wanted to be an English teacher. I was blessed to secure my dream job immediately upon graduating college. But then, after two years of teaching, I was diagnosed with my chronic illnesses. At first, my symptoms didn’t really pose a problem. I occasionally had a flare, but for the most part, it didn’t impact my job. But once year four of teaching began, the frequency and severity of my symptoms increased, and each day became more difficult to get through. I recently came to the realization that I will probably not be able to teach for the rest of my working life. And at first, I didn’t know how to handle my deferred…or even altogether denied dream.
Many people with chronic illness experience dreams that are deferred for a season, or even denied for a lifetime. They have an idea of what they want their lives to look like, but their symptoms get in the way. On the one hand, deferred dreams can be disappointing; on the other hand, they can cause somewhat of an identity crisis. For someone like me, who wanted to be a teacher her whole life and claims education as a part of her identity, I have struggled to imagine who I’ll be as a person when I can longer be in the classroom full-time. What’s more, I have struggled to wrap my mind around the fact that this career, which I viewed as God’s calling on my life, might not, in fact, be God’s calling for my lifetime. Will I have a purpose without this job?
“I have struggled to imagine who I’ll be as a person when I can longer be in the classroom full-time. ...I have struggled to wrap my mind around the fact that this career, which I viewed as God’s calling on my life, might not, in fact, be God’s calling for my lifetime.”
As I’ve wrestled with this idea of what my purpose is, I stumbled upon two stories of Mary and Martha. While I’ve read about these women before, these Scriptures spoke to me in a new way. First, in Luke 10:38-42, we see Jesus visiting with Mary and Martha. While Mary sat at Jesus’ feet and listened to His teaching, Martha bustled about, preparing and serving, and soon became frustrated with Mary, who was not doing anything to help serve. When she reprimanded Mary, Jesus responded, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:41-42, ESV).
I am often like Martha. I am so focused on my idea of how life should go that I overlook opportunities that are right in front of me. I had the idea that I would teach until retirement (unless Simon Cowell changes his mind and gives me a record deal. Unlikely, I know, but stranger things have happened). But I can’t be so focused on my ideas for my life that I miss out on other opportunities that God has for me, which I might love and benefit from just as much, if not more, than teaching. Instead of relying on my own ideas, dreams, and plans, I need to be more like Mary, focusing on Jesus each step of the way.
“I can’t be so focused on my ideas for my life that I miss out on other opportunities that God has for me...”
The second story is found in John 12:1-8. In an act of worship, Mary poured expensive perfume over Jesus' feet. One of the disciples reprimanded Mary for this act. Jesus, in response, praised Mary's act of worship, "'Leave her alone,' Jesus replied. 'It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial'" (John 12:7, NIV).
I’ve worried that it was intended by God that I should always be a teacher, and that if I cannot teach, then I am of no use to God. That is simply not true. Jesus praised Mary because she used what she had in order to do what she could at that time: to honor Jesus. I might not always have the physical ability to teach, but there are other abilities I have that I can use for God’s glory. God does not require me to stay in one specific job for a lifetime, but rather, to do what I can with what I have at that time.
“ God does not require me to stay in one specific job for a lifetime, but rather, to do what I can with what I have at that time. ”
One Sunday in church, my pastor was telling the story of an elderly woman who, in her younger years, was a model example of servanthood within the church. Unfortunately, she is now a “shut-in,” remaining in her home all the time because of her physical limitations. However, every week she writes letters to church members, encouraging them and assuring them that they are covered in prayer. I don’t know if this woman struggled emotionally when she reached the point of no longer being able to physically serve in the church building. But if she did, she did not let that emotional struggle of her past dreams control her. Instead, she stayed focused on Jesus, and she continually does what she can with what she has at this time in her life to honor Him.
This story, along with the stories of Mary and Martha, greatly comfort me because they show me that despite my redirected dreams, I still have a purpose. Despite my redirected dreams, I can still be of use to God. The same is true for you. Even if you have to defer your dreams or redirect your plans entirely because of your chronic illness(es), you still have a purpose. In Matthew 22, someone asks Jesus what the greatest commandment is. His response? “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-39, NIV). These two commandments - the greatest commandments - are things I can do whether my symptoms are flaring or not. Whether I’m a teacher or not. Whether Simon Cowell ever gives me a chance or not.
“Despite my redirected dreams, I still have a purpose...I can still be of use to God.”
It is okay to be disappointed or even experience a period of grief when you realize that you have to defer your dreams. In fact, it is normal to momentarily sink into that valley of sadness. But don’t stay there. Because of Jesus, you still have value to add to this world.
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Written by: Bailey Humphrey, EdD
If you love "The Bachelorette," a good podcast, artisan grilled cheese sandwiches, or are just a human being in general, it's time to "accept this rose" and become BFFs with Bailey. A High School English teacher and cheerleading coach by day, Bailey's off-hours are often spent in her living room curled up with a book, a Brown Sugar Oatmilk Shaken Espresso in hand, and her German Shepherd/Border Collie mix, Willie, at her feet. We have nothin' but good things to say about this fabulous member of our volunteer Writing Team!