Hey, Fam! This week, I had the incredible opportunity to interview one of the cutest couples I know: Timothy & Dorothy Rhoades. Tim and Dorothy are personal friends of mine, and while that obviously makes them special (*wink*), I specifically wanted to interview them because of their unique perspective as the healthy parents of two chronically ill kiddos.
All of us have seen or experienced firsthand the impact that chronic illness has on our loved ones. And most of us know that statistic about how parents of a chronically ill child experience increased marital distress. In fact, if you yourself are that parent, you live the tension of maintaining a strong marriage in the midst of your child’s unique needs every day. Today, we’re diving headfirst into that tension with Tim & Dorothy. A couple who have been incredibly intentional about building and maintaining a strong marriage while parenting chronically ill children, and are willing to share their story, their challenges, and their wisdom with YOU!
Q. Hey, Tim & Dorothy! Tell me a little about yourselves!
Dorothy: We are Tim and Dorothy Rhoades. We met on Memorial Day weekend of 2012. Tim was visiting friends who attended the church I was attending at the time. Our mutual friends coordinated a lunch out after church for the singles, which in a church of 50, wasn’t very many. Prior to lunch, however, my church had a business meeting for just members, and since we were waiting for our friends, we ended up talking for the duration of the “brief” meeting, which was about 45 minutes. We had lunch, went to a friend's house where Tim asked to stalk me on Facebook. I said “OK,” and the rest was history! We have now been married 10 years as of November 23rd. In that time, we have been through four job changes, bought two houses, moved across the country, traveled thousands of miles around the world, been a part of two incredible churches, and have four amazing kids!
Q. Would you be willing to share an embarrassing or funny story from your relationship?
Tim: Within the first month of marriage, we were in a particularly heated discussion that had lasted for a few days. Around day three, I had reached my limit, so I turned around to my wife and said, “The Bible says that ‘anger resteth in the bosom of fools’” (Eccl.7:9). The look on my wife’s face is a stark reminder that timing is everything, and that I can win an argument and also hurt my wife. We laugh about it now, but neither of us can remember what the argument was about, so it probably wasn’t terribly important in the long run.
Q. I understand that you have a couple of kiddos who have a chronic illness. Would you tell us about your kids?
Tim & Dorothy: We have four pretty great kids. Alex is our oldest, he is 9. He loves science, history, and is a diligent student of everything. Brooklyn is 6, almost 7. She is a girly girl, loves all things that glitter, and embodies every bit of what little girls are. She also enjoys hiking and being outside as long as she can wear something pink. She was our first child diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. Owen came along a few years later. He is 4. He loves doing anything his siblings are doing. He is our animal lover, and he prefers cats over dogs. He’s also a bit on the feisty side of things. He was diagnosed at birth with Cystic Fibrosis. Finally, we have Christopher. He is 3. He loves all things planes, trains, and automobiles. He loves taking things apart and letting his brothers fix it.
Q. What have been some of the challenges you’ve encountered in your marriage as you’ve navigated parenting chronically ill children?
Tim & Dorothy: Some of the most challenging aspects have been communication. Communicating about our own emotions, growth, and listening to each other in a way to understand what the other spouse is dealing with through each season of change with the kids' health was very difficult. Many times, Dorothy would have to take the kids to appointments or hospital stays and Tim would be home working or going to school, and while we communicated what was going on, it was very hard to communicate feelings or challenges. We didn’t want to upset each other emotionally by “burdening” each other with how we felt about all the multiple aspects of the kids' health and the emotions that come along with that responsibility.
Q. You mentioned that you didn’t want to emotionally “burden” each other by sharing your personal feelings and emotions. What are some practical ways you’ve found helpful in communicating without feeling like you’re “dumping” or “burdening” the other person?
Dorothy: We have learned and had to talk through what we saw as “burdening” each other. The biggest aspect was, and is, realizing we are not alone in it. We had to communicate clearly with each other that while it seems like our feelings "burden" the other person, that is what marriage is about. Part of marriage is having that person to come alongside you and listen to you, regardless of their own feelings, and to encourage you to keep going. It seems very redundant, but communication is key for maintaining a healthy marriage. We had to stop viewing our own feelings as our own and communicate them and realize that we are doing this together. Taking the time to hear how your spouse is feeling can give clarity to your feelings, the situation, how your spouse is acting or reacting, and gives a deeper level of understanding.
Q. How has your experience of parenting chronically ill kids impacted your faith?
Tim: Our faith has been tested and put under pressure. Even the decision to have more children after we had Brooklyn was one that had to be made in faith. Knowing Cystic Fibrosis is a genetic condition and there was a one-in-four chance of having more children with the condition, we had to choose to live by faith and allow God to guide and work in our lives if we chose to have more children. One particularly difficult time that grew my faith was while Owen was in the hospital. I was alone in the house while Dorothy and our other kids were staying with several friends, since I had work and school (18 hours a day). Owen was dealing with no weight gain, vomiting profusely, a lung infection, and failure to thrive. Dorothy was updating daily, as we had many tough choices on a day-to-day basis. Owen had surgery for a G-tube installation after having an NG-Tube for several weeks. I was at a point of exhaustion in every capacity. I felt negligent to the needs of my kids and my wife, the focus of my job, and a terrible student. I reached a point that I returned to the house at midnight one night with all of this going on. I prayed, but there was no inspiration or heavenly light. Just tear-filled, mute prayer. I wept. For a good while. In that moment, I was given clarity. God gave me my family, job, and direction to go back to school. My God was The Great Physician. My God still held tomorrow. I didn’t feel better, but in the crucible of the moment, I remembered that God still existed even in that dark hour. God never left me, but the doubt, exhaustion, loneliness, and mental drain was palpable. My faith grew that night. That particular hospital stay was one of the hardest for our family, but also a time of tremendous growth for us as individuals, as a couple, and even as a family.
Q. While you would have never chosen this for your children or family, have there been any ways in which your marriage has been strengthened, enriched, or blessed as a result of navigating these challenges?
Tim & Dorothy: We have been tremendously blessed even with these challenges. God has always given us a church family that has rallied around us during the hard times. As a young married couple when Brooklyn was first diagnosed, and we had to learn all about her health and what that would entail, our church helped with taking turns keeping Alex and took time to learn about what her needs might be themselves. When we moved away, our current church also rallied around us with Owen and supported us through the difficult times at the hospital. God has brought opportunities as time has gone on for us to encourage other couples and families who have had children with the same, or even other, health issues. We have had the opportunity to pray with them and share God’s provision and goodness with them. As a couple, while things have been challenging, it has given us an appreciation for each other and has guided us to intentionally set aside specific time for each other even when times are busy with appointments, balancing homeschool, work, and the many other aspects of life.
Q. What are some of the practical ways you’ve maintained a strong, healthy marriage while navigating life with chronically ill children?
Tim & Dorothy: First, we enjoy going out with other couples on double dates. We have learned building relationships with both older and younger couples is beneficial and encouraging. We have had a blast learning about other couples and seeing how they interact with each other! It gives us an appreciation for friends as well as quality time with our significant other.
Quality time at the end of the day is key for us. After the kids go to bed, we talk about the next day, concerns, worries, sometimes we say nothing and just snuggle while watching some mindless TV. No matter how the evening ends, spending that time together is important.
We also have found it very helpful to try to take a trip alone together each year. Some years, especially in the early years of the kids' diagnosis, it was just a quick overnight trip at a bed and breakfast close by. Other years, it was a weekend away while the kids were with friends or family who had a good understanding of their unique needs. The last few years, as the kids are stable and healthy, we have been able to go away for a week or longer. It has been a process, but having that break from treatments, appointments, medicine, and schedules, is also important. We can reconnect with each other and usually learn something new even after ten years.
Q. Tim, what’s one piece of marriage advice you’d offer to other husbands out there?
Tim: Most good marriages I know about took work, effort, and time. The work is something that will be seen and noticed even if it is never acknowledged. The effort can be notes, letting your wife know your love, little gifts, backrubs, or time listening to them. The time given MUST be scheduled. Between doctors, work, school, and everything else, you will run out of time for your wife if you never take a few planned minutes to focus on the one who is helping so greatly in your life. Love without end.
Q. Dorothy, what’s one piece of marriage advice you’d offer to other wives out there?
Dorothy: Be flexible. It is very easy to get frustrated and stressed about all the different things going on in our lives. Yes, we all need patience, but learning to “roll with the punches” is helpful. I am a very typical type A personality. I like to be in control. I like a plan. I like details. Many times with our kids' health, we don’t have those things. Then, you add in a spouse. We aren’t supposed to control them. Learning to be flexible and communicating your needs are vital in maintaining a healthy relationship with your spouse.
Q. Thank you so much for taking the time to share so much of your experience with us all! Undoubtedly, our readers who are married and navigating a similar path of parenting chronically ill children are going to be hanging on your every word. So if you could leave them with any final thoughts, what would you want to say to them, or what would you want them to know?
Tim & Dorothy: Take one day at a time. Don’t let fear control you. When you get the initial diagnosis for your child or for yourself, it’s easy to let yourself think the worst. Ultimately, we are not in control of what will happen, God is. He wants to use the situation for His glory. Allow Him to work in you and through you. Encourage your spouse in the Lord. Remind each other about His goodness even through the hard times. Be a light to the doctors and the nurses. Encourage those you meet along the way. Even in the scary times, remember Who is truly in control. He will never leave you. He will always be there to guide you. He will give you peace in the storm. He will comfort you when you are at your lowest. He will even be there when you are on the mountain top. Just don’t live in fear. There is hope in Christ.
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Written by: Ashlee Hiles
A watercolor artist, fellow chronic illness warrior, cat lady, morning person, writer, speaker, and People Hope’s very own Administrative Assistant. What can’t this lady do?! Ashlee is the powerhouse behind so much of what we do around here! But more impressive than her talent is her heart. If you know her, you love her! To shed light on a few lesser-known deets, Ash married her husband, Micah, in 2020, has re-learned how to walk twice, dreams of cage diving with Great White Sharks someday, and has a very niche obsession with Dot's Honey Mustard Seasoned Pretzel Twists. Pretzels and all, we love Ashlee and her trademark passion to share the message that, with God, we can hold both pain and joy in the same hand.