Life has been filled with quite a bit of change lately, and that’s not an experience that’s unique to me. Everyone will go through periods of transition at some point in their lives, if not multiple times. Battling chronic illness is an additional element of change in a life that is already inconsistent, and with change, whether good or bad, comes emotion. But how do we navigate multiple or even conflicting emotions during transition?
Recently I’ve experienced two significant changes that have brought with them a variety of emotions. First, I changed my career. For the last five years, I’ve taught high school English - a job that I’ve wanted for most of my life, pursued years of schooling to achieve, and honestly thought I would happily do until my retirement at the ripe old age of 99 (I was under no delusion that I’d be able to work longer than Betty White did). But after five years in the classroom, it became clear to me that I needed to find a new job for both my physical and emotional health. In the past 2 months, I’ve made the transition out of the classroom and into my new position, but that change hasn’t come without emotion. I am relieved to be out of the environment I was in and not have to juggle my chronic illnesses with work quite so much, and I am excited for the opportunities this new job presents for growth. But I’m also grieving the loss of what I always thought my life would be - teaching, a job in which I found so much of my identity.
The second significant change is that my husband and I are expecting our first baby - a little boy - in December. We are ecstatic about the newest addition to our family, especially after trying and praying for over a year. But happiness is not the only emotion I’ve felt in the first half of this pregnancy. I’ve been scared for the health of our baby, but also for my own health. After finding out we were expecting, I had to come off several of the medications used to manage my chronic illnesses, which has left me feeling apprehensive almost daily about what symptoms will rear their ugly heads and how much they’ll affect me. I’ve been frustrated about how sick I felt in the first trimester (morning sickness is not accurately named; it’s more like all-the-time-every-day sickness) and how little I was able to enjoy those first few weeks because I was just trying to get through the day.
Two big changes, and a plethora of emotions accompanying them. But which emotions are valid? Which emotions are the wrong ones to feel? And how are we supposed to hold multiple emotions at one time?
All of your emotions are valid. There is no blueprint for what you should feel in a given situation.
Many times, our lives are spent trying to fit in or trying to please those around us. That’s one reason we invalidate ourselves when we feel a certain way in response to a situation. We make a value judgment based on how we think others would expect us to feel, and if that’s not the emotion we’re experiencing, we think we’re wrong. Leaving a stressful job that doesn’t serve you anymore? You should feel relieved. Getting pregnant after over a year of trying? You should feel overjoyed. What about finally getting a diagnosis and understanding that there is an actual reason for the symptoms you’re experiencing? You should be accepting and content.
But there’s something that very few people will acknowledge, if they even recognize it to be true: there is no right or wrong way to feel in response to a situation. We are all uniquely created. We have different strengths and weaknesses. We see the beauty of these differences in 1 Corinthians 12 when Paul writes about the body of Christ, and many of us find great insight to our uniqueness and character qualities in personality tests. We know people are different, so why do we expect them all to experience the same emotions?
Your response to your emotions, not the emotions themselves, are the bigger indicator of who you are.
You might have heard this popular saying from former President Franklin D. Roosevelt: “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”
The apostle Peter felt fear in John 18 when the guards appeared to arrest Jesus before the crucifixion. Peter’s response? To act violently and cut off one of the servant’s ears. Based on Jesus’ response, “Put your sword away! Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?” (John 18:11, New International Version), it’s safe to say Peter did not respond correctly in this situation. Peter felt fear again in Luke 22 after Jesus’ arrest, when he was questioned about whether or not he was one of Jesus’ followers. Peter’s response? To deny Jesus three times. Based on how Peter reacted after he realized what he had done, when he “went outside and wept bitterly” (Luke 22:62, NIV), it is once again safe to say that Peter did not respond correctly in this situation.
Was Peter’s fear the problem in these situations? No. Fear is a natural human emotion, and it is expected that we will feel fear from time to time (there’s a reason that every time an angel appears before a human in Scripture, the angel says some variation of “do not be afraid”). Fear only becomes a problem if we allow it to get in the way of what God has instructed us to do.
We see this idea well-illustrated when Jesus prayed in the garden of Gethsemane before His arrest. Jesus shared with the disciples, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Matthew 26:38, NIV). Jesus then prayed, “My Father, if it is possible may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:39, NIV), and a second time, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done” (Matthew 26:42, NIV). We also see in Luke 22:44 that during this time, Jesus’ “sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground” (NIV). This rare medical condition, known as hematidrosis, is caused by extreme levels of stress or agitation. But despite these emotions Jesus experienced during this time, He knew what was most important. His response to His emotions - following God’s will regardless of how He felt - was the biggest indicator of who He was.
So what do I do when faced with emotions during transition? How do I navigate multiple conflicting emotions at once?
Maybe you’re undergoing a life change right now and are navigating all the emotions that come with that change. Maybe you’re about to undergo a life change and need to be better prepared for when those emotions hit. Whether that time is right now or in the future, there are two things to remember:
First, allow yourself to feel all of your emotions. Whatever they are. Whether excitement, nervousness, fear, frustration, or even a few different emotions all at once, there is no right or wrong way to feel in a given situation. You need to process all of your emotions in order to accept the change.
Secondly, focus on what’s most important when deciding how to respond. After processing your emotions, respond to them in a way that ultimately glorifies God. Will your response achieve that result?
I’m still working to remember these two things as I navigate the emotions during my time of transition. I’m sure I’ll continue to feel a mix of emotions as the next school year begins without me in the classroom, but that’s okay. I can be excited about my new job while also grieving the loss of what I thought would be my career. I will continue to acknowledge that God has led me down this path for a reason, and His plans are ultimately better than my own. I’m sure I’ll continue to feel a mix of emotions as I go through the second half of my pregnancy and welcome our baby boy into the world (especially when the nights of no sleep arrive), but that’s also okay. I will continue to acknowledge that God’s timing is perfect, and He will help strengthen me through this new season of motherhood.
And sometimes when you’re faced with emotions during transition, you just need to feel supported. Thankfully, we have a wonderful community of people through the Focus Fix Fam who are ready and willing to offer that support. Join our Facebook group to see what I’m talking about. We’ll be waiting with open arms!
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Written by: Bailey Humphrey, EdD
If you love "The Bachelorette," a good podcast, artisan grilled cheese sandwiches, or are just a human being in general, it's time to "accept this rose" and become BFFs with Bailey. A High School English teacher and cheerleading coach by day, Bailey's off-hours are often spent in her living room curled up with a book, a Brown Sugar Oatmilk Shaken Espresso in hand, and her German Shepherd/Border Collie mix, Willie, at her feet. We have nothin' but good things to say about this fabulous member of our volunteer Writing Team!