Dating is hard. First, there’s the matter of finding a date. Sure, you might have a Hallmark moment where you both order the same thing in a coffee shop, reach for the drink simultaneously, feel that electric spark when your hands touch, and fall in love at first sight. But that’s highly unlikely, especially in today’s digital age.
Once you find a date, there are then those first few awkward conversations where you try not to let too much of your weirdness show. Maybe you even pretend to like something to find some common ground (football? Oh, yeah, I love football! Who’s my favorite quarterback? Uh…well…I don’t like to pick favorites, you know? It makes the other quarterbacks feel bad). If you’re introverted like I am and struggle with small-talk anyway, these conversations can be particularly gut-wrenching. But maybe, just maybe, the conversation will flow freely, and you’ll decide to have more dates.
As you continue to date, you enter that period of Perpetual Unease where you aren’t sure what your label is, or when the right time is to say ‘I love you,’ or when it’s the right time to ask whether he’d prefer chicken or beef at your wedding and what kind of schooling he would prefer for your future children. What if you say something too intense too soon and it freaks them out? Or what if they say something too intense too soon and you have to gently tell them you don’t feel the same way? There are so many variables in dating; you can never be 100% sure what will happen.
And then there's us. Yes, dating is hard. But for those who are chronically ill, there is an additional layer of difficulty. When do I tell my date about my chronic illness? What if they can’t accept my limits or decide that I’m ‘too much to deal with’? What if I become symptomatic during one of our dates?
“When do I tell my date about my chronic illness?”
I was diagnosed in April 2020. Thankfully, by this time, I was already married to my wonderful husband. But before I was diagnosed, I had a dating mishap while in grad school. I went on a blind double-date with my friend, Kari, and we had decided to go hiking. I was in high spirits when we started the hike, but my high spirits were quickly dashed when my heart rate increased beyond what felt normal. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. Then came the ringing in my ears as I wondered to myself why all the trees around me appeared fuzzy. I could barely breathe. I couldn’t catch enough breath to explain to the others how I was feeling, and even if I had been able to, I was too afraid and embarrassed. We stayed at the top of the mountain in our hammocks for enough time that I was able to recover my breath for the walk down. When I made it back to my apartment, I collapsed on my bed for the rest of the afternoon, wondering what the HECK had just happened to me.
I did not continue dating this guy (I was really only seeing him as a favor to Kari anyway. And if you’re wondering, Kari did not continue seeing her blind date either. She is marrying someone else in October. YAY LOVE!). I know now that what I experienced was not being out of shape; it was a POTS flare. I also know now that there is nothing wrong with telling those around you when you need rest. I didn’t need to be concerned with inconveniencing those on the hike with me. If they made me feel bad for becoming sick, then they wouldn’t have been the people I needed in my life anyway. You deserve to do what you need to do for your health, and even when it feels a little uncomfortable, there’s nothing to be ashamed of!
“You deserve to do what you need to do for your health, and even when it feels a little uncomfortable, there’s nothing to be ashamed of! ”
A fellow spoonie, Jenna, also experienced a dating mishap. While on a first date one Saturday, she received a call from her doctor’s office. The doctor wanted her to run through some personal information, including an update on the symptoms she was experiencing. She tried to step away from her date for privacy, but ended up having to talk with her doctor while her date was still in earshot. At one point, the doctor asked about something Jenna didn’t know off the top of her head, and she needed to reference the notes on her phone, which required her to put the doctor on speakerphone. Yes, speakerphone, as in her date is DEFINITELY able to hear about her myriad of medical issues now. When she finally finished the conversation and hung up, her date awkwardly asked, “Are you…okay?” While Jenna tried to dismiss the incident, there was awkwardness for the rest of the date, and she did not see him again. That’s quite alright - Jenna deserves someone who will support her regardless of her medical needs or where she has to take her doctor’s phone calls.
Sometimes spoonies experience dating mishaps and romance still blooms. Elizabeth met her current husband, James, when she was hired as his caregiver through a home care agency. They bonded over video games and played together for a month before James finally asked her to dinner and a movie. They ate at Texas Roadhouse (side note: their buttered rolls are like manna from Heaven), and despite having a great meal, Elizabeth became lightheaded from the volume of the music and the amount of people talking loudly around their table. They made it back to James’ house before Elizabeth began having a seizure. Thankfully, Elizabeth recovered, but she was understandably nervous that the incident would make James not want to pursue their relationship any further. James did not second guess their relationship for one minute. When I asked whether James reconsidered dating Elizabeth, he said, “The thought never really crossed my mind. I don’t really get scared easily. I’m also curious. I wanted to know what was going on, and I like to help people, so I was doing what I could to help take care of her.” Elizabeth and James were married on May 28, 2022, and they support one another through the ups and downs of their illnesses.
If I haven’t said it enough already, dating is hard, especially when you have a chronic illness. But here’s the thing: your chronic illness does not make you unlovable. Your flares do not make you a burden. The opinions of others who dismissed you or invalidated you do not make you unworthy. The right person will accept you as you are, chronic illness and all. They will be willing to care for you during your flares. They will support you and validate you as you navigate evenings that are interrupted by doctor’s phone calls. Dating might be difficult, but it’s worth it to find the person who makes you feel valuable. And for those dating mishaps that don’t lead to second dates, well, at least you’ll get a story out of them!
“...your chronic illness does not make you unlovable. Your flares do not make you a burden.”
Written by: Bailey Humphrey, EdD
If you love "The Bachelorette," a good podcast, artisan grilled cheese sandwiches, or are just a human being in general, it's time to "accept this rose" and become BFFs with Bailey. A High School English teacher and cheerleading coach by day, Bailey's off-hours are often spent in her living room curled up with a book, a Brown Sugar Oatmilk Shaken Espresso in hand, and her German Shepherd/Border Collie mix, Willie, at her feet. We have nothin' but good things to say about this fabulous member of our volunteer Writing Team!
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