Q. Hey, Hailey! Tell us a little about yourself!
My name is Hailey. I’m in my mid-20s and live north of Atlanta, Georgia with my cat, where I work from home as a freelance writer and content marketer for clients like Healthline, Dell, and Chewy. I am also a YA author and a singer-songwriter + classically trained pianist, and in my spare time, I love being at my church or writing letters to pen pals. I’ve lived with chronic illness that has gotten progressively worse over the course of my whole life (including conditions like hypermobility spectrum disorder, neuropathy, POTS, global GI dysmotility, hypoglycemia, epilepsy, migraine, sleep apnea, etc).
Q. Before you start answering the questions our community sent in, would you share about your relationship status?
I am currently single, and to be honest, I’m not sure what I see happening in the future and whether or not I’d like to get married. Right now, I am not actively seeking out a dating relationship myself — but if a guy asked me out or a friend set me up, I wouldn’t say no. ;)
Alright, let’s jump in to some questions from our community…
Q. Should I share about my chronic illness on my online dating profile? If not, when would be the appropriate time to share? And how much is too much to share?
Completely up to you, friend! I’ve done some online dating, and personally, I don’t mention my chronic illness in my dating profile. I’d rather somebody meet me in person and get to know other parts of me first. But chronic illness does typically come up when I’m planning a date because my symptoms affect what I am able to do. At that point, I’ll say something like: “I can’t do anything physically active because of some health issues, but I’d love to meet for coffee.” Inevitably, my medical issues will later come up in conversation, too, because they affect so many parts of my life. Then the guy will often ask a few follow-up questions, and I’ll follow his lead and answer for as long as he wants to continue that conversation right then.
Q. I’m struggling with finding contentment as someone who is single. How do you navigate discontentment?
Ooh, this is a tough one. Personally, I’m okay being single — but discontentment is a HUGE struggle for me in other areas of life, and I have better days and worse days with my perspective in this area. Some days, we need to validate those feelings and let ourselves sit in the tension of everything we desperately want, but don’t yet have. The key, however, is to not stay there. Remind yourself of all the good that’s in your current life. Sometimes it’s hard to see, but I promise, it’s there. I keep a daily gratitude journal, and when I’m wishing I didn’t have to live my life, I flip through it or scroll through my camera roll to be reminded of sweet moments in the here and now.
Q. What was your most awkward date?
One time, at the end of a great first date, the guy told me that he only asked me out because his friend said he needed to get out more and had made him promise to go on a date with someone — anyone he could find. Needless to say, there was no second date. (I’ve also been ghosted, so… that date didn’t even happen.)
Q. Help! I’m unable to eat by mouth and that can make “traditional” dinner dates uncomfortable. Any tips for how to navigate those awkward moments, or for how to smoothly suggest other types of dates?
I have a feeding tube and can’t eat (much) by mouth. I will often suggest that we meet at one of my favorite coffee shops instead. Or, I’ll sometimes say that I am open to going to a restaurant and just visiting or ordering a drink while they eat dinner (this is what I sometimes do with family and friends who know me). I know some “tubies” or people with GI issues don’t like going to restaurants at all. That’s totally valid! It can be awkward, sad, and hard. I go through periods where just driving by my old favorite restaurants makes me angry. But if you’re okay with it, this can still be a nice way to enjoy the atmosphere of a restaurant. And to give the other person “permission” that we don’t have to tiptoe around the topic, I’ll smooth things out by making some kind of joke about me being unable to eat.
Q. I’m really content to be single, and am not desiring or pursuing a romantic relationship. But sometimes, I feel lonely. Any tips to navigate loneliness?
Me too, friend. I’m right there with you. I love living alone and I love being single… but I get lonely, too. For me, the most helpful thing has been really digging into my friendships with my girlfriends. I have a standing monthly coffee date with one friend. Constant voice texts going back and forth with another. Someone else who drives me to church every week so we’ll have that extra 30 minutes to catch up. Don’t be afraid to just reach out to people, whether that’s your elderly neighbor or a stay-at-home momma or an old friend who just moved back into town. Unfortunately, I think feelings of loneliness are more common than we know, and I find that people always seem happy and touched when I reach out to them. (PS — if you’re struggling to battle isolation, check out our Focus Fix Fam Facebook group! I’m a little biased, but it’s such a great place to connect with like-minded people.)
Q. I know my chronic illness is a challenge, but a potential partner will come with their own “baggage” too. What is the high-confidence way to share about “my stuff” without giving “I’m the problem” vibes? Any tips on how/when to share?
You said it yourself: Everyone deals with hard things in their lives. Nobody is perfect. A boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse is going to have problems, too. As you explain your chronic illness, I think the key is to be truthful, but casual — explaining that, while your chronic illness impacts your daily life, it doesn’t need to be a major “thing” that people make a big deal out of. I find that people generally follow my lead in how I talk about my illness. So I try to be very straightforward: Because I have xyz problem, I need to do/I can’t do xyz. And that’s hard/disappointing, but it’s also okay. Chronic illness definitely sucks, but it’s my normal daily life, too. I’m continuing to live the other parts of my life as best as I can.
Q. I’m open to whatever God has for me (getting married someday or staying single), but I don’t want to live with my parents forever either. I’m a little scared about what it would look like to live on my own with my chronic illness. What are some practical suggestions you might offer to someone who wants to be independent but also needs a little extra daily help?
Coincidentally, right around the time I moved out on my own was the time when my health really took its biggest nosedive (although I didn’t know it at the time). Living alone with chronic illness can be really hard! However, in some ways, having my own space actually makes it easier to implement the accommodations I need. It’s always nice and quiet if I need a nap, I’m not bothering anyone by filling every cabinet with medical supplies, and I don’t have to watch other people eat food in front of me all the time! If you’d like to live independently but may need help, don’t be afraid to ask for assistance or do what you need to do. I pay people to come clean my apartment, I drive down to my mailbox instead of walking, I use DoorDash to deliver cat food or laundry detergent. And I make sure to use my limited energy to prioritize my health. If there are unwashed dishes and unanswered emails, but my pill cases are filled and my IV is running, I’m calling that a success. You may not know exactly what you’re going to need help with until you move out and give it a try. But I think in many cases, there are ways to make things work, even if it’s unconventional or not what it looks like for “most” people.
Q. I’m single, but already know that having biological children is complicated for me. When and how should I bring that up to a potential date?
Same here, friend. Talk about awkward topics to broach! Good news: I’d say that for most people (whether they’re chronically ill or not), talking about kids doesn’t happen until a relationship is getting more serious. So don’t feel like you have to lead with this on a first date (unless you just want to, in which case, you do you). While I personally have never had this discussion with a guy, I’d recommend waiting to see if and when he brings up the topic of kiddos. Then don’t be afraid to be open and honest about why getting pregnant might not be a good option for your body (to whatever level you’d like to be — you may not want to share every single medical detail right now). If you’re open to adoption in the future, you could mention that, too.
Q. I’d like to build a better relationship with myself. Any suggestions?
That’s a great goal! I find that journaling is a helpful way to process who I am as a person, and who I want to be. You might be able to find a solitary hobby to enjoy — mine are reading and writing letters to pen pals. I also work really hard to give myself grace, treating my body, mind, and heart with kindness. And I highly recommend buying yourself cut flowers, which I do all the time (and have done so long before Miley Cyrus made it popular).
Let’s end with a rapid fire round…
Q. Long walks on the beach or long talks by the fire?
Long talks by the fire!
Q. Favorite flower?
Carnations, dahlias, yellow/orange roses
Q. Big wedding or private destination elopement?
Big wedding.
Q. Couple tattoos or matching outfits?
...neither?
Q. Going out or staying in?
Really depends on my mood and my symptom level — I love both!
Q. Choose wisely: Team Dean, Team Jess, or Team Logan?
Team Jess. Jess is the ONLY correct answer!!
Q. Your life is being made into a Rom-Com. Who plays the role of Hailey? Who plays the love interest?
For the love interest, I’d happily take Rudy Pankow, Chris Briney, Noah Centineo, Dylan O’Brien, the list goes on… As for who would play me — man, with that kind of lineup, can I just play myself?!
Psst…have you met the other folks in our Relationships & Chronic Illness Series? Sign up for our newsletter HERE so you won’t miss any of our upcoming interviews and episodes, each with their own unique experiences, perspectives, and answers to your most-asked questions! And be sure to check out our other couples below!
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Listen on Spotify!
We made a playlist to accompany this series because "in sickness and in health" hits different with chronic illness. This one goes out to the loves that see us through it all—the partners and burden-bearers and appointment-goers and soul mates. Be sure to "like" and "follow" to find all of our playlists in your Spotify library!
Disclaimer: The content in this interview is reflective of Hailey’s personal opinions and experiences, and should not be taken as professional counsel. We highly recommend seeking out professional counseling from trained and qualified therapists if you’re in need of personal counsel and/or relationship guidance.