Hey, Bailey and Fletcher! Tell me a little about yourselves!
Bailey: Fletcher and I met during the spring semester of our freshman year in college. We had a mutual friend, and we were at a get-together with a group of people playing card games. I thought he was funny and cool, so I slid into his Twitter DM’s asking to be friends. Fast forward to the spring semester of my senior year in college, and he had become one of my best friends. Right before graduation, he wrote me a letter telling me he had feelings for me, and I told him that while I also had feelings for him, I was about to move 7 hours away to get my Master’s, and a relationship just wouldn’t work. Despite the distance, he didn’t give up. We started officially dating in March 2017, he proposed when I moved back home in May 2018, and we were married March 30, 2019.
Q. Bailey, I know you have a chronic illness. Did you and Fletcher meet before or after you got sick and/or were diagnosed? If after, when and how did you share about your health with Fletcher?
Bailey: Technically, I was already sick when Fletcher and I met, but my symptoms were much less prevalent and I hadn’t been diagnosed yet. Fletcher was a huge part of why I sought a diagnosis because when we started dating, I would mention “little aches and pains” that were “normal” for me, and he would be like, “That’s definitely not normal, my dude, you should see a doctor.” After a good bit of convincing, I finally went to the doctor and received a diagnosis in March 2020, which is a good thing because my symptoms started impacting my daily life in August 2020.
Q. Fletcher, when Bailey shared about her health with you, what was your initial (honest) reaction?
Fletcher: It was pretty early on when we were dating, and I thought, “I don’t know how to fix this; we need to go to a professional.” After Bailey was diagnosed, I freaked out for a good couple of days only because I was worried about everything back then. But my grandfather once told me, “You want to be with someone that you can be with up until the very end.” I watched him take care of my Nana when she started having health issues. When Bailey was diagnosed, I still recognized that she was the one I wanted to be with. Whenever I started to freak out again, I would just remember how my grandfather took care of my Nana, and think how I wanted to do the same thing for Bailey.
Q. A question for both of you… We all have expectations about what marriage should or will be like. What expectations for your marriage, if any, have changed because of chronic illness?
Bailey: I wouldn’t say my expectations for marriage have necessarily changed, but my expectations for myself have changed. I think all of us, at some point or another, have feelings of insecurity about whether we’re enough. Even when in a healthy, loving relationship, those fears can creep in and gain a foothold if they’re allowed to stick around too long. The more prevalent my symptoms have become, the more I find myself worrying about whether Fletcher will become tired of having to take care of me or put up with my limitations, or whether I’m a good enough spouse because I can’t always do the things I think I should do in the timeframe I think I should do them in.
I have to remind myself that those are fears my mind is producing, and that Fletcher is married to me because of who I am as a person, not because of what I can do. My expectations for myself have changed based on what I’ve learned benefits mine and Fletcher’s relationship instead of holding onto these stereotypical ideas of a good relationship.
Fletcher: I’m learning how to support her when she has to do things differently because of chronic illness. For instance, she’s recently decided to change jobs next year, which I know is hard for her because she loves teaching. When we first got married, we both thought she’d teach forever, but we’ve had to readjust our plans. I know that I can’t fix things for her, but I can support her through everything.
Q. Bailey, do you ever experience feelings of guilt or shame related to being “the sick one” in the relationship? If so, how do you navigate that? If not, what might you say to wives and partners who do struggle with those feelings?
Bailey: I definitely experience that guilt/shame! For instance, the last three years, our holidays have looked different than what I would have preferred because of health-related issues. In November 2019, I had an excision surgery for endometriosis. In November 2020, I had a lumbar fusion for a herniated disc that never quite healed due to my Ehlers Danlos. In December 2021, I had a miscarriage, and while I’m not sure that was related to my chronic illnesses, having another holiday look different because of my body didn’t make me feel great.
Kind of like I said before, it’s important to let go of your ideas of how something should be. Even without a chronic illness, it’s rare that something is exactly how you think it should be. Maybe I couldn’t travel to see extended family while I was recovering from surgery, but Fletcher and I could sit in front of the tv with a cup of hot chocolate and watch White Christmas. Maybe one weekend we have to stay home because I need to rest a little bit more, but we can still spend quality time together and make memories. There’s some creativity that’s required when you might have to adjust your day to accommodate your symptoms, but having a partner who is flexible, affirming, and willing to just be with you helps tremendously.
Q. Fletcher, when Bailey experiences a health-related challenge (Eg. an ER visit, health crisis, hospital stay, etc), how do you personally navigate and process your feelings and experiences during those events?
Fletcher: I don’t process my feelings until after we get things figured out. If I start to process my feelings first, then I panic. I help Bailey determine a course of action, then I process how I feel.
Q. How do y’all divide up the household chores in a way that prevents feelings of guilt and resentment, especially when Bailey is in a flare and can’t do as much as Fletcher?
Bailey: Something I’ve had to learn to do is ask for help. I usually want to do all the household chores myself. In my mind, I know for sure it’s clean if I’m the one who cleans it. But I’m learning that I can’t always be the one to scrub the toilets and empty the dishwasher. If I ask for help, Fletcher is always willing. I just have to vocalize my needs.
Q. When Bailey is in a flare, how do y’all navigate intimacy so that one spouse doesn’t feel unwanted or frustrated?
Bailey: This is, again, another area where I have to vocalize my needs. Fletcher doesn’t know that I’m low-energy or in pain if I don’t tell him, so I have to be clear about where I am physically.
I also think it’s important to let your spouse know that you care about them even if you can’t demonstrate that through physical intimacy. Learning what their love language is could benefit your relationship. Words of affirmation? You can tell them what you love about them. Quality time? You can watch a tv show together. Physical touch? Hugs are delightful. There are ways to help your spouse feel wanted even if you are in the middle of a flare-up.
Q. What are some of your best flare-day date ideas?
Bailey: Honestly, one of our favorite things to do is just order DoorDash and watch a tv show. Lately we’ve been into Abbott Elementary. Since the episodes are released weekly, it’s something we have to look forward to.
Fletcher: Get her a book. Or just sit and play card games.
Let’s end with a couple of fun questions:
Q. Favorite pizza topping?
Bailey: Pepperoni and pineapple
Fletcher: Sausage
Q. Favorite ice cream flavor?
Bailey: Ben and Jerry’s Tonight Dough
Fletcher: mint chocolate chip
Q. Tattoos?
Bailey: I have an anchor and the words “Let Go” on my hip; a raven and the word “Nevertheless” on my rib; the map coordinates of Port Au Prince, Haiti on my foot; “2 Corinthians 12:9” and flowers with “In Christ Alone” on my arm; and our wedding date in Roman numerals on my ring finger.
Fletcher: I have the Roman numerals of our wedding date on my ring finger; and I have a dagger piercing a rose on my forearm - this tattoo represents Christ killing my addiction.
Q. Piercings?
Bailey: Just your normal earlobes
Fletcher: None
Q. Favorite animal?
Bailey: COWS! They’re just big grass puppies
Fletcher: otters
Q. Favorite book?
Bailey: To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Fletcher: Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
Q. Favorite movie?
Bailey: The Sounds of Music
Fletcher: Hot Rod
Q. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
Bailey: New Zealand
Fletcher: a cabin in Blue Ridge, GA
Q. In one word, what’s your biggest fear?
Bailey: Clowns
Fletcher: apathy
Q. What’s your favorite thing about your spouse?
Bailey: Fletcher loves people so well.
Fletcher: Bailey’s intelligence. She has a love for knowledge and a desire to teach it.
Listen on Spotify!
We made a playlist to accompany this series because "in sickness and in health" hits different with chronic illness. This one goes out to the loves that see us through it all—the partners and burden-bearers and appointment-goers and soul mates. Be sure to "like" and "follow" to find all of our playlists in your Spotify library!
Want to see more articles like this?
People Hope is 100% donor-funded by people just like you, and we need your help to keep publishing hope-giving resources like this one! You can make a gift right now, or even sign up to join our Core Team of monthly supporters for as little as $10/month!
Disclaimer: The content in this interview is reflective of Bailey & Fletcher’s personal opinions and experiences, and should not be taken as professional counsel. While they’re sharing what has worked in their specific relationship, every relationship is different. We highly recommend seeking out professional counseling from trained and qualified therapists if you’re in need of personal counsel and/or relationship guidance.