If there were a support group for people-pleasers, I would definitely be a member. For as long as I can remember, I considered one of the worst possible outcomes for a situation to be disappointment directed towards me. So you can imagine the soul-crushing nature of living in a chronically ill body that often dictates canceled plans and subsequent disappointment in my direction. For the longest time, I worried about disappointing everyone, not just those who were most important to me. As I’ve become more vulnerable with age and shared more about my struggles (see my last article to learn a bit about that journey), I’ve learned that I’m not the only one who suffers from Chronic People Pleasing. In fact, it’s far more common than you might think.
I’m a recovering Chronic People Pleaser, which means I’m not fully recovered. It’s still something I struggle with. But I have discovered a few things over time that help me redirect my focus when I get overwhelmed with the thought of disappointing others.
Key #1: You’re often harder on yourself than others are on you.
My husband is a gifted speaker. He works as a youth pastor at our church, and I am constantly impressed by the way he communicates truth with the youth group while teaching on Wednesday nights. But nearly every week, we get in the car to go home, and he expresses disappointment in himself because he doesn’t feel like he addressed _____ in the best way. This self-criticism is despite multiple people praising his teaching ability. This self-criticism is despite the students not only absorbing and remembering the weekly lessons, but also applying them to their lives. So why does he continually express disappointment in himself? Because he is far harder on himself than others are on him.
To an extent, it is good to hold ourselves to a high standard. After all, our ultimate goal in life should be to be more like Jesus, and Jesus is perfect. But if we constantly expect perfection from ourselves, particularly as we navigate life in less-than-perfect health, then we will constantly be disappointed with ourselves. We are often our own worst critic, and we project our self-criticisms onto others and start to believe they are doubting us in the same way we doubt ourselves. So what can we do? Well, we have to accept that it’s okay not to achieve perfection all the time.
One of the passages that has most changed my perspective is 1 Corinthians 4:1-2: “This is how one should regard us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found faithful” (ESV). Paul does not say in this passage that stewards of God are expected to be perfect; they’re expected to be faithful. Being faithful means to be loyal and steadfast. I will likely never achieve true perfection in my efforts - in fact, I might not even come close - but if I do my best and continually strive towards faithfulness, then God will be pleased.
This is especially a relief as someone who finds their physical capabilities dwindling because of chronic illness. I recently had to make the decision to leave teaching, a job which I pursued my whole life and which I truly felt like was God’s calling for me. But as my symptoms progress, being in the classroom full-time is just not sustainable for me. When I worried that people would be disappointed in me for choosing a different career path, this verse helped me put things back into perspective. I can be faithful to God in a different job. I can be faithful to God even on my flare days. As long as I am faithful to God, then God is pleased. And if God is pleased, then who am I to disagree?
Key #2: Don’t worry about the criticism of someone you wouldn’t accept advice from.
How much time do we spend worrying about the opinions of people who don’t actually matter that much to us? High school was a prime example of this for me. So much of what I did was dictated by what my classmates would think of me, even though I wasn’t exactly friends with the majority of them. Ten years post-high school, I only continue to keep in contact with two people from my class. The takeaway? All the time I spent worrying about the opinions of my other classmates was ultimately pointless, because they didn’t have a long-term impact on my life.
This concept applies to adult life as well. How many times do I agree to add something to my to-do list when I’m already at my limit because I don’t want so-and-so to be disappointed in me? How many times do I withhold speaking up about something that really should be said because I don’t want so-and-so to think differently of me? How many times do I push myself physically, ignoring the symptoms of my chronic illness, failing to ask for help, because I don’t want so-and-so to think less of me? How many times do I place value on the opinion of someone who likely hasn’t taken the time to understand my chronic illness?
Much of the time, that “so-and-so” is not someone I confide in. They are not someone who, when I’m faced with a tough decision, I seek advice from. And if I don’t value their opinions or input in my life enough to seek advice from them when faced with a tough decision, then why do I bend over backwards to avoid their criticism?
If your Chronic People Pleasing is flaring up, consider how much you actually value that person’s opinion. If you wouldn’t accept advice from them, then their criticism is probably not something you need to be overly concerned about.
Key #3: There is only one Person whose opinion truly matters.
This is a statement that’s easier to say than it is to take to heart. But we see this lesson in Luke 19:1-10, the story of Zaccheus. You probably remember the song from your days in children’s church: “Zaccheus was a wee little man, and a wee little man was he…” This song simplifies what is both a beautiful and an encouraging lesson for us.
When Jesus entered Jericho, crowds gathered to see the promised Messiah (v. 1). Among them was a man named Zaccheus who Scripture describes as “small in stature” (v. 3). Not only was Zaccheus small in stature, or “a wee little man,” but he would have been somewhat ostracized from the others waiting to see Jesus because he was a chief tax collector, and he was rich (v. 2). However, Zaccheus did not worry about the crowd’s opinions of him. He was so desperate to see Jesus that he climbed a sycamore tree to see over everyone (v. 4). In my mind, this action truly demonstrates how little Zaccheus was worried about the opinions of others. Think about it - if One Direction reunited and showed up in your town for a concert, and you saw a grown man climbing a tree to get a better look at the band, would you not laugh at him a little? But again, Zaccheus was only focused on Jesus, and Jesus was the only one who mattered.
Jesus spotted Zaccheus in the tree and said to him, “Hurry and come down, for I must stay at your house today” (v. 5). While Zaccheus joyfully obeyed, the crowds grumbled and said, “He has gone in to be the guest of a man who is a sinner” (v. 7). Even still, their opinions did not matter. When Zaccheus confessed his sins to Jesus, Jesus responded, “Today salvation has come to this house…[f]or the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost” (v. 9-10).
We need to be more focused on Jesus than we are on the opinions of others. We need to do whatever it takes to get closer to the one who matters. We need to accept that other people might not change their opinions of us, but they are not the ones that grant us salvation. We need to be more like Zaccheus.
Like I said before, I’m a recovering Chronic People Pleaser, so I’m still working on it. But the more I work towards incorporating these lessons into my daily life, the easier they become to accept. And as you work on breaking your Chronic People Pleasing tendencies, know that you’re not alone. There’s a whole group of us here. Maybe we can even get sweatshirts.
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Written by: Bailey Humphrey, EdD
If you love "The Bachelorette," a good podcast, artisan grilled cheese sandwiches, or are just a human being in general, it's time to "accept this rose" and become BFFs with Bailey. A High School English teacher and cheerleading coach by day, Bailey's off-hours are often spent in her living room curled up with a book, a Brown Sugar Oatmilk Shaken Espresso in hand, and her German Shepherd/Border Collie mix, Willie, at her feet. We have nothin' but good things to say about this fabulous member of our volunteer Writing Team!